Non Happy Day Post (beware)

Blogs are great to remember the good times, the fun moments, the "keepsakes", but not many venture to diary about the negative stuff. It's ok, I usually prefer to avoid it myself. Opens the door up for commentary on something that is already bugging or upsetting you. Today is a bit different as I just can't get this angry bitter voice out of my head whose been lingering there for months now, so I decided just to vent it out, hoping it stays here and not in my head where it's doing nothing but damage. And when I look back over my memories and good times, I'll hopefully have a very satisfying feeling of "Remember that shitty time?! Thank god it didn't last..."

And so my selfish rant begins.
I'm on a huge budget crunch and it's never ending so the motivation is tough to come by when there is no end in sight. People think I'm doing so good, I'm not going on vacations, I'm not buying new clothes, not eating out at restaurants... no people, I'm not shopping at all, not even for groceries. I'm not trying to sound pathetic and homeless, I'm trying to vent off some frustration because I feel very alone and very misunderstood these days. I avoid going to the grocery store because it's so expensive! Unless you want to buy the processed crap and ramen as your staples, fresh fruit and veggies cost a lot! This is why I just go home and end up eating cereal as my main course, along with the occasional pasta dish and toast. Toast is filling and I like toast. This is why the $4 subway sandwich is cheaper than buying the fixings at the grocery store. It doesn't go bad, doesn't go to waste and if I'm not in the mood for a stupid sandwich again then I just don't go buy one. I opt for the $5 soup across the street. I've been working a ton, which brings in no more income than before, just more worry about when and what am I going to eat to give me fuel to get through the long days without spending money. Which is probably why I got sick. I'm not stupid, I know my body needs vitamins and nutrients to be healthy, but then we are back to the expensive ass grocery problem. I babysit part time to bring in cash to fund any other items that pop up on the budget, my cats food and litter and other personal products. It's hard to work at a fancy firm and try to look fancy so you get promoted when you feel like a loser. I could stop going to my hair salon, but that would be the day I lose it and would have to be clinically admitted. Probably not the best budget slicer then.

Then there is the friend alienation feeling. Nobody purposely doesn't invite me places or doesn't want to be my friend (god I hope...sometimes I'm really not sure, but lets not go there), but when you cannot afford to do anything, why would anyone invite you anywhere? I could just keep turning people down and keep my tight budget to myself, but I don't want people to think that I don't want to hang out. But if I tell them I can't hang out because of a tight budget, then they feel guilty and say they'll pay for something or another if I can come out - I can't do this because this is not a short term tight budget, so when does it stop? I accept a freebie from a friend one day, (honestly it's painful for me to do any day) but I mean they won't keep offering, and to be VERY clear, I would never accept anyway, so the long and short is, they know I can't afford to do anything so they just don't ask. Without a social life I live for the time I get to spend with Josh. This is great cause I am so lucky to have such a great boyfriend. But anyone who knows will tell you that without your own life, you won't seem so interesting to a significant other. Awesome right? I'm unhealthy, tired, sick and have no friends. So tell me... why is it SO easy NOT to throw a little on your credit card? Oh I'm not wavering yet, don't you worry, I've gotten so good at not spending any extra money it's awesome... yeah, super awesome.